This guest report just in...
Stardate: Early AM 17 Juli 20009
Location: Last Rebel Outpost on Hapes, Increasing phosphoric phaser
streamers overhead
Clagg Mondrehedron reporting for Inter Galactic News Services
Dire news fellow stellar citizens. In a bold move the Empire under Darth
Horak and his Sith Lord Schlepp are not just striving to overrun the major
star systems, they are conquering it at this very nano second.
We are in confusion and dissarray to put it mildly and diplomatically. In
actuality, there are a lot of wet uniform pants scurrying about in circles.
Empire's new super weapon, dreaded double 88's, unleashed with awful
carnage at the Battle of Gomorr Gateway, terrorized the ineffectual Rebels into
submission after wiping out Platoon 13. Devastated, Ursa Major
schizophrenically split into the whining despondent commander we have all come to detest,
old habits dying hard. He has yet to recover and is undergoing immediate
surgery with the dangerous temporal lobo neural realignment procedure after
being awake half the night blithering and moaning "the dice are killing me,
tigers, panthers, 88's, OH MY, Oh, look, a chicken." The High Rebel
Alliance is desperately seeking a new commander.
Perhaps Terra's Rebel Lease Lend Act will finally move from negotiating
tables to the battlefield. One can only hope.
Not even the wily Hutts led by the indomitable Peetza and his Hero Legion
of Bombers could counteract the oppressing numbers of storm troopers. Sector
after sector fell. Peetza was overheard saying, "Take a lesson from the
dude, man, chill out, bowl if necessary. There will be another day to drink
beer and demolish the Za."
Rebel Command has issued order 67, evacuate all sectors and rendezvous at
coordinates B-A-D, that is Bravo, Alpha, Dago at ...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
THIS IS REBEL HIGH COMMAND CONFIRMING ORDER 67 B-A-D; BRAVO-ALPHA-DAGO.
STOUT CLAGG MONDREHEDRON HAS BEEN OVERRUN BY IMPERIAL FORCES. WE DO NOT
KNOW IF HE HAS SURVIVED THE ONSLAUGHT.
BY DECREE OF THE HIGH COMMAND OF THE REBEL ALLIANCE: ORDER 170720009 A
ZEBRA-
ALL REBEL FORCES AND ASSOCIATED NEWS PERSONNEL WILL REFRAIN FROM
PERSONALIZING ANYTHING IMPERIALLY RELATED AS "THOSE BUGGERING 88'S" UNDER PENALTY OF
IMMEDIATE COURT MARTIAL OR EXPULSION FROM ANY AND ALL NEWS NETWORKS AND LOSS
OF OFFICIAL STATUS. THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL ARE LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD
REBELS.
OFFICIAL REPORT OF THE BATTLE OF GOMMORR GATEWAY 16 JULI 20009: SIGHTED
EMPEROR, SANK US.
END TRANSMISSION
________________
Our regular contributor is out of the office this week. The views expressed by the author are his own and do not reflect those of the Star Wars Risk blog.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Hutt, Hutt, Hutt
Three straight for the Hutts last night. Birthday Boy, Kent started out as Rebel Leader aka Major Ursa. Ric was Peetza da Hutt. Once he started getting 3-4 faction cards per turn, we just couldn't knock him back down far enough. Hutt victory in about 4 turns.
In game 2, Kent moved over to the dark side as Darthzilla, while I took up the green hoard. Amazingly, I was able to make a dash for victory on the first turn. My 4-3-2 beat Ric's Rebellious 3-2 defence on the last planet.
In game 3, Kent played Hutts while I took the Rebels. Badly beaten up by both opponents, I just eaked out a defensive game while Hutts and the Empire duked it out. The Storm Troopers looked to be on the edge of victory, driving me down to one single Rebel planet, but they failed to make the kill because Kent aka Kumquat the Hutt had made the Empire take the long way round. The Rebels bounced back up to 4 planets. Then Kumquat cashed in faction cards and took his hoard into Gamorr and the Wild Space for ten resource planets in the 7th turn.
In game 2, Kent moved over to the dark side as Darthzilla, while I took up the green hoard. Amazingly, I was able to make a dash for victory on the first turn. My 4-3-2 beat Ric's Rebellious 3-2 defence on the last planet.
In game 3, Kent played Hutts while I took the Rebels. Badly beaten up by both opponents, I just eaked out a defensive game while Hutts and the Empire duked it out. The Storm Troopers looked to be on the edge of victory, driving me down to one single Rebel planet, but they failed to make the kill because Kent aka Kumquat the Hutt had made the Empire take the long way round. The Rebels bounced back up to 4 planets. Then Kumquat cashed in faction cards and took his hoard into Gamorr and the Wild Space for ten resource planets in the 7th turn.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Will those pesky Rebels just stop it!
This dispatch just in from our reporter embedded with the Rebel forces:
Stardate: 2 JU 20009
WHEREABOUTS: FERENGII QUARTER
GALACTIC NEWS LLC: Clagg Mondrehedron reporting
Starfolks of the Galaxy, I have not long to report as evacuation Stardusters are about to launch us to safer places after an incredibly botched job by the Rebel High Command. Nowhere in any quadrant along the Galactic Axis or the Concourse is safe. Imperial troops whipped into a frenzy by Lord Sith Thor are out for Rebel blood and Hutt slime.
Lord Sith Thor is humble and mute on the turn of events claiming a draw. Draw, Hah, my Imperial Stuchensucher! (However rebel insect-droid spies did report the High Lord immediate ordered another dram of single malt upon receiving the news of the devasting trap sprung by a relatively unknown Rebel commander). I will tell you this, it is a black hole day across the Universe for the Rebellion. Imperial storm troopers are everywhere, in vast numbers
here-to-fore unseen with new weapons of mass disintigration. Desperate days are ahead.
And talk of faulty initiator crystals by inept Rebel Generals is old and wearing thin. Please, quit blaming the Hutts, it is always Hutt this and Hutt that. The High Command should get off its fat Starbase Ass and do something worthwhile for a change, providing they actually want the Galaxy to be safe (or are Rebel Pod contracts too lucrative?). The Hutts are nothing more
than opportunistic stellar capitalists, nothing more. If Hutt initiator crystals are actually the cause, a detachment should be sent to Beyond and dealings made with Ferengii smugglers for whatever terms.
After a brilliant feint and trap in the Elrood sector led by rising Star Commander Erwin Patton of the 3rd Rebel Star Army Korps, the High Command fell into disarray. Internal squabbling over which Rebel Bozo should receive credit for the Commander's promotion and the illustrious Polar Star Medallion initiated a Peter Principle upward through the High Command, splitting it
into two factions for and against Commander Patton. Note: The Galaxy is being overun and the silly k-nig-hets of the High Command are concerned about their chest medals, Stellar Saints Almighty!
Of course, a momentary lapse of judgment when Commander Patton slapped General Monty's eldest nephew, breaking his Ray Bans and denting his Beret did not help. Scuttlebutt has it Patton was immediately relieved of command, widening the split between High Command factions. Many consider Monty's nephew foppish. Alliance Dimwits then bungled every attempt to stave off further Imperial Expansion. So a brilliant opening move in the galactic chess
game evaporated into stellar dust. One can only hope the High Command will come to its senses, reinstate the Commander, rally our forces and turn this Imperial onslaught around.
Gotta board, the finally klaxons are wailing.
Stardate: 2 JU 20009
WHEREABOUTS: FERENGII QUARTER
GALACTIC NEWS LLC: Clagg Mondrehedron reporting
Starfolks of the Galaxy, I have not long to report as evacuation Stardusters are about to launch us to safer places after an incredibly botched job by the Rebel High Command. Nowhere in any quadrant along the Galactic Axis or the Concourse is safe. Imperial troops whipped into a frenzy by Lord Sith Thor are out for Rebel blood and Hutt slime.
Lord Sith Thor is humble and mute on the turn of events claiming a draw. Draw, Hah, my Imperial Stuchensucher! (However rebel insect-droid spies did report the High Lord immediate ordered another dram of single malt upon receiving the news of the devasting trap sprung by a relatively unknown Rebel commander). I will tell you this, it is a black hole day across the Universe for the Rebellion. Imperial storm troopers are everywhere, in vast numbers
here-to-fore unseen with new weapons of mass disintigration. Desperate days are ahead.
And talk of faulty initiator crystals by inept Rebel Generals is old and wearing thin. Please, quit blaming the Hutts, it is always Hutt this and Hutt that. The High Command should get off its fat Starbase Ass and do something worthwhile for a change, providing they actually want the Galaxy to be safe (or are Rebel Pod contracts too lucrative?). The Hutts are nothing more
than opportunistic stellar capitalists, nothing more. If Hutt initiator crystals are actually the cause, a detachment should be sent to Beyond and dealings made with Ferengii smugglers for whatever terms.
After a brilliant feint and trap in the Elrood sector led by rising Star Commander Erwin Patton of the 3rd Rebel Star Army Korps, the High Command fell into disarray. Internal squabbling over which Rebel Bozo should receive credit for the Commander's promotion and the illustrious Polar Star Medallion initiated a Peter Principle upward through the High Command, splitting it
into two factions for and against Commander Patton. Note: The Galaxy is being overun and the silly k-nig-hets of the High Command are concerned about their chest medals, Stellar Saints Almighty!
Of course, a momentary lapse of judgment when Commander Patton slapped General Monty's eldest nephew, breaking his Ray Bans and denting his Beret did not help. Scuttlebutt has it Patton was immediately relieved of command, widening the split between High Command factions. Many consider Monty's nephew foppish. Alliance Dimwits then bungled every attempt to stave off further Imperial Expansion. So a brilliant opening move in the galactic chess
game evaporated into stellar dust. One can only hope the High Command will come to its senses, reinstate the Commander, rally our forces and turn this Imperial onslaught around.
Gotta board, the finally klaxons are wailing.
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