Will those pesky Rebels just stop it!

This dispatch just in from our reporter embedded with the Rebel forces:

Stardate: 2 JU 20009

WHEREABOUTS: FERENGII QUARTER

GALACTIC NEWS LLC: Clagg Mondrehedron reporting

Starfolks of the Galaxy, I have not long to report as evacuation Stardusters are about to launch us to safer places after an incredibly botched job by the Rebel High Command. Nowhere in any quadrant along the Galactic Axis or the Concourse is safe. Imperial troops whipped into a frenzy by Lord Sith Thor are out for Rebel blood and Hutt slime.

Lord Sith Thor is humble and mute on the turn of events claiming a draw. Draw, Hah, my Imperial Stuchensucher! (However rebel insect-droid spies did report the High Lord immediate ordered another dram of single malt upon receiving the news of the devasting trap sprung by a relatively unknown Rebel commander). I will tell you this, it is a black hole day across the Universe for the Rebellion. Imperial storm troopers are everywhere, in vast numbers
here-to-fore unseen with new weapons of mass disintigration. Desperate days are ahead.

And talk of faulty initiator crystals by inept Rebel Generals is old and wearing thin. Please, quit blaming the Hutts, it is always Hutt this and Hutt that. The High Command should get off its fat Starbase Ass and do something worthwhile for a change, providing they actually want the Galaxy to be safe (or are Rebel Pod contracts too lucrative?). The Hutts are nothing more
than opportunistic stellar capitalists, nothing more. If Hutt initiator crystals are actually the cause, a detachment should be sent to Beyond and dealings made with Ferengii smugglers for whatever terms.

After a brilliant feint and trap in the Elrood sector led by rising Star Commander Erwin Patton of the 3rd Rebel Star Army Korps, the High Command fell into disarray. Internal squabbling over which Rebel Bozo should receive credit for the Commander's promotion and the illustrious Polar Star Medallion initiated a Peter Principle upward through the High Command, splitting it
into two factions for and against Commander Patton. Note: The Galaxy is being overun and the silly k-nig-hets of the High Command are concerned about their chest medals, Stellar Saints Almighty!

Of course, a momentary lapse of judgment when Commander Patton slapped General Monty's eldest nephew, breaking his Ray Bans and denting his Beret did not help. Scuttlebutt has it Patton was immediately relieved of command, widening the split between High Command factions. Many consider Monty's nephew foppish. Alliance Dimwits then bungled every attempt to stave off further Imperial Expansion. So a brilliant opening move in the galactic chess
game evaporated into stellar dust. One can only hope the High Command will come to its senses, reinstate the Commander, rally our forces and turn this Imperial onslaught around.

Gotta board, the finally klaxons are wailing.