Long Live the Empire

This guest report just in...

Stardate: Early AM 17 Juli 20009

Location: Last Rebel Outpost on Hapes, Increasing phosphoric phaser
streamers overhead

Clagg Mondrehedron reporting for Inter Galactic News Services

Dire news fellow stellar citizens. In a bold move the Empire under Darth
Horak and his Sith Lord Schlepp are not just striving to overrun the major
star systems, they are conquering it at this very nano second.

We are in confusion and dissarray to put it mildly and diplomatically. In
actuality, there are a lot of wet uniform pants scurrying about in circles.

Empire's new super weapon, dreaded double 88's, unleashed with awful
carnage at the Battle of Gomorr Gateway, terrorized the ineffectual Rebels into
submission after wiping out Platoon 13. Devastated, Ursa Major
schizophrenically split into the whining despondent commander we have all come to detest,
old habits dying hard. He has yet to recover and is undergoing immediate
surgery with the dangerous temporal lobo neural realignment procedure after
being awake half the night blithering and moaning "the dice are killing me,
tigers, panthers, 88's, OH MY, Oh, look, a chicken." The High Rebel
Alliance is desperately seeking a new commander.

Perhaps Terra's Rebel Lease Lend Act will finally move from negotiating
tables to the battlefield. One can only hope.

Not even the wily Hutts led by the indomitable Peetza and his Hero Legion
of Bombers could counteract the oppressing numbers of storm troopers. Sector
after sector fell. Peetza was overheard saying, "Take a lesson from the
dude, man, chill out, bowl if necessary. There will be another day to drink
beer and demolish the Za."

Rebel Command has issued order 67, evacuate all sectors and rendezvous at
coordinates B-A-D, that is Bravo, Alpha, Dago at ...
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THIS IS REBEL HIGH COMMAND CONFIRMING ORDER 67 B-A-D; BRAVO-ALPHA-DAGO.

STOUT CLAGG MONDREHEDRON HAS BEEN OVERRUN BY IMPERIAL FORCES. WE DO NOT
KNOW IF HE HAS SURVIVED THE ONSLAUGHT.

BY DECREE OF THE HIGH COMMAND OF THE REBEL ALLIANCE: ORDER 170720009 A
ZEBRA-

ALL REBEL FORCES AND ASSOCIATED NEWS PERSONNEL WILL REFRAIN FROM
PERSONALIZING ANYTHING IMPERIALLY RELATED AS "THOSE BUGGERING 88'S" UNDER PENALTY OF
IMMEDIATE COURT MARTIAL OR EXPULSION FROM ANY AND ALL NEWS NETWORKS AND LOSS
OF OFFICIAL STATUS. THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL ARE LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD
REBELS.

OFFICIAL REPORT OF THE BATTLE OF GOMMORR GATEWAY 16 JULI 20009: SIGHTED
EMPEROR, SANK US.

END TRANSMISSION
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